So I really haven't written at all. But I figure no one really reads this anymore. Only two really. And I totally trust you two.

I want to get away. For a long time, I just want to forget. I want to forget so that the gnawing feeling goes away. Then I can come back and be.. normal. Like I used to be. I'm over it. I really am. But I just get lonely sometimes... and then that spirals downward, and I'm forced to face this thing.. this weakness. I shouldn't have come home winter break. I should've gone to Honduras. Seriously. It wasn't bad... just, unreal.

I'm okay. Fine, really. Really. I just don't understand these bad spells. Sure, there will be good days and bad. But why do these bad days, no matter where they start, why do they have to end in the same place. It shouldn't be like that. I don't need it. I don't want it. But I'm bored, and lacking stimulation. Lacking.. warmth. Ironic, right? I miss the long intellectual conversations with my friends. I really do. It all seems so superficial down here. I know I just haven't met the right people, but man, do I miss that connection. I miss the drama. As much as I hate to admit it, at least the drama made you think, made it somehow okay to connect with some people and totally forget about others. I love the laxity here, but sometimes, I lack stimulation. And that's what I need. It's harder to forget when you don't have anything else to help you forget.

I don't even want to forget. I appreciate what was. I shouldn't have been so selfish as to want more. But I did. I wanted more, because I was afraid that this was going to be the only time I would have it. But it's not. I know that. And knowing that now, it's more comforting. But I've never been a patient person. I realized that I am a very selfish person. I knew I was before, but I know I'm more selfish than I thought I was. I want things now.. and sometimes they're worth waiting for. This is something I'm going to have to wait for. And I'm okay with that.. I just don't want to always come back to that feeling. That same feeling that basically turned me anorexic for two weeks. That was just awful.

But that was my rant of the day. I'm done and over it. But this is a dry spell. I'm just waiting for the rain to dance in. It will come. You can't hold in the tears forever.

Although I don't use Xanga so often.. there's nothing like spilling out all your problems with the world.

I find it quite ironic that every time I read my xanga diary, the main entries are about love. Everyone's affected by it. I wouldn't be lying if I reported that I wasn't. I am. Lately though, the people I care about keep writing about how they're getting over their first love. It feels so strange. Knowing all these people, their "first loves" were in their lives so long ago. I just wonder if it's going to take me as long. What's going to give me that epiphany and make me realize that it's time to move on. Is it even a first love? I don't know. I don't think anyone ever does. Maybe that's why it's taken everyone else so long to figure it out.

I know I don't use xanga so often, but I decided to do a little tribute here, considering love is what everyone has on their minds all the time. But then again, if there wasn't love, what else would there be to think about?